For me, life feels like it's moving at a speed I am not comfortable with. Things are happening all over the world and in our country that feel completely out of our control. And there are also things happening in my world that feel completely out of my control- and are. I have been reflecting quite a bit on life, maybe because of the new year, or maybe because I am anticipating transitions coming up. One son will be attending college in the fall, another going to high school, another getting his learner’s permit next week, and my daughter is turning 10 next month. My littles aren’t littles. My little family unit is not a unit- they’re dispersed into different rooms and places 99% of the time. There is very little time as a family of 7. And if I am dead ass honest, I am okay with most of it. I just spent a special weekend with just my 16 year old in NYC and we stayed up past midnight going to a magic show. Not something I could have done a few years ago.
Life can be exciting and amazing!
And it can also be heart wrenching and scary and overwhelming and awful and terrible.
Life is all of it. And that’s what makes life… life.
One thing that has helped me feel okay with transitions and life in general, has been working on increasing my capacity. And I can say with this work, I feel more at ease with the flow of life. And I think this idea of capacity is important. So read on, if you will.
The more I realize that there are very little times in life that are completely still, the better off I am. There are many (many, many) people who live for things to calm down, to feel better, for the weekend, for vacation, to get through this or that… I could keep going. (And let’s keep this our secret, but it seems like a lot of them forget that there is always life after that vacation or stressor. And if there isn’t, they’re dead.). Most of our life is the day to to day- it’s the in between, the waiting. Some days are REALLY shitty, others mundane, and others spectacular.
And all of these days make up our lives.
We have one life to live- never knowing our expiration date. Our job is to make what we want out of life, moving WITH life and what it throws at us. Doing our best to “make the most of it”. That simple motto does seem to be forgotten quite often because of the way our life moves.
What if you waited half of your adult life to take a trip to Hawaii with your favorite person, let’s pick Kauai. You finally saved up the money to stay in a luxury hotel, beach view with a king sized bed, or two queens- you choose. You will be gifted all of the free pineapple and macadamia nuts your little heart desires. You don’t even need to bring down beach towels from the room, they will already be rolled up on your chair and warmed by the sun. You know this because you researched the shit out of this trip. Every time something doesn’t go well in your day to day life, you say to yourself,
“Well at least I have Hawaii”
“Only 4 more months to Hawaii”
“I just have to get on the plane and then I’ll be free”
“I can relax in Hawaii”
Planning this trip has consumed your free time in the best way. You day dream about it. You know exactly what you want out of it. You planned some beach front dinners, some excursions, you even planned your downtime. You've curated your suitcase with everything you need…. The perfect outfits, new shoes, fancy sunscreen- the one that smells like vacation. There isn’t a detail of this trip you left uncovered. You feel completely ready. And now the day has finally come to get on the plane and go. Two weeks, 14 full days to enjoy a magical place with a magical person. You planned this shit so well, and now you can sit back and enjoy. And you do. Things go well, they flow, they’re easy. You relax, you have fun, you settle into yourself.
But on day 11, things start to take a turn. You start to anticipate the return home. You have finally allowed yourself to exhale, and now with the thought of going back to life, your body starts to tense up, you start to remember your to-do list, you start to dread what’s coming next.
Your shoulders are hunched, you’re pouting and shuffling your feet as you get back on the plane that now feels smaller, more claustrophobic and smells terrible. And all your pretty leis are dying. You’re returning to life and it sucks. All the waiting and anticipating is over and now you won’t be happy again until the next thing, but probably never really that happy because your once in a lifetime trip is over.
Is this a way to live? Always waiting for something better? Always hoping for a change or something new? No, no it’s not. And it doesn’t have to be.
We can increase our capacity and therefore learn to love and feel safe (some days safe-ish) in the day to day. No matter what is going on.
Life DOES feel like a lot at times. It can feel like there just too much and then when you feel like you can’t handle more, life doesn’t care- it piles on more. And then sometimes even the unthinkable happens, whether it’s a death or disease or a loss of job or a really hard kid- or maybe even all of the above! And life still doesn’t care- it piles that on top of all of it. I used to think and really believe that the universe traded with you. If it was going to give you a hard road in one aspect of your life, it would lay off and let things stay easy in other aspects. But as life has unfolded, my beliefs have changed and I have learned that that just ain’t true. Can you learn lessons and look for the good and try hard to manifest what you want in life? Yes, and you should when you can.
But on a day to day, it comes down to capacity. How do you handle the moments throughout the day?
It takes practice.
Possibly one of the biggest luxuries we have as adults, is the ability to choose. We can change and grow and love and learn and forgive- if we choose. And it is never too late. Really.
So we have already been to Hawaii and back to prove a point, that point being that if we’re always living for the next thing, we’re going to miss the in between days. And then you’ll die and be like "wow, I'm dead now and I missed a lot of in between days" and I don’t want that for any of us.
So now I am going to end on how to increase your capacity for life (thank you Becca for your beautiful guidance on “capacity” through my Somatic Experiencing sessions @hummingrockhealing).
To increase capacity for life, we need to make friends with an AIP. Picture the little guy (he’s nice and wants to be friends, not rip your face off). We need to become aware of what we want to change, we then need to hold the intention to change, and lastly we need to practice the change. Increasing capacity takes an AIP.
The more present we are minute to minute, the more capacity we have to tune into our bodies. We learn to feel into the yin and yang of our emotions. The lightness and the discomfort. We breathe. We drop our shoulders and relax our jaw. We feel. We stay present and grounded. We practice this by staying aware and intentional. We make changes because we can. Because we’re big kids now! We can make everlasting change. It’s actually quite simple if you slow the fuck down and become aware.
So don’t look forward to Hawaii and then live in dread until the next thing because your 2 week vacation is over. Live life every damn day. And take your little AIP (awareness, intention and practice) by the hand and move onward. And when life throws you an unexpected curve ball or a fucking meteor hits you off the side of the face, you will have more capacity for it... on all of the days.
Want to work on living with more capacity? Join me for a donation based (minimum $30) group healing session on Monday, 1/20 at Noon ET (45 minutes on Zoom). Donate and I will add you to the group! Donations go to the World Central Kitchen.
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